Thursday, June 02, 2005

What It All Comes Down To

In college, my friend Amy discovered, via Nabokov, a term that gave name to what we both freely admitted was our constant feeling that everything on Earth related, or should, to us. The term was “self-referential disorder”. We were clearly suffering from this affliction (and I, for one, still am). It results in conversations like this:

Someone Else: “I’m starting to grow tomatoes and I can’t get the plants to stand up right.”

Me: “Interesting. You know, my back only hurts when I sit for long periods of time. I don’t have any trouble standing up right for long periods of time.”

Someone Else: “Hmm, weird. Do you think I should stake the tomatoes?”

Me: “Hmm, tomatoes. God, I love ketchup.”

And like this:

Someone Else to Someone Else: “I have been asking every single person that I know and meet how I can make the tomatoes I’m growing stand upright and no one has any good suggestions. Any ideas?”

Me (overhearing) to Myself: “Oh man, she is totally annoyed at me because I didn’t help her with her tomato question. She’s definitely talking about me. She must fucking hate me for talking about my back problems when she was talking about her tomato problems. Does she hate me? She totally hates me. Whatever. My back hurts.”

Thanks to Google and Sitemeter, my suspicions have been confirmed: everything, EVERYTHING, can be related to ME! The following, from the Referrals section in my Sitemeter stats, is a list of words and phrases that have brought strangers to my blog in the last seven days:
  • toering suck off
  • spanish wine breakdown u.s.
  • huge deviant breasts
  • "ear cuff"
  • balloon boobs
  • thanks letter
  • Licking the breasts
  • free pie picture

Now I am truly convinced that the whole world really does refer back to me, even if it takes plowing all the way to the 29th page of Google results for a person to realize this (that’s how far the searcher for “toering suck off” had to go find this site!). Bad jewelry? Connected to me. Lots and lots of boobs? Connected to me. Free pie? Connected to me.

Just as I always knew.