Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Third Time's A Charm

The first time my dad got married, I didn’t exist. The second time, I wasn’t invited. The third time made up for all that.

Now that I’ve gone through this modern right of passage, I have some advice for anyone else who might one day be watching their parent wed. So, based on my experience…..

Tell Everyone
Tell the shop assistant helping you with your dress hunt, the taxi driver dropping you off at the church, the couple unloading their car in the middle of the night when you stumble home after the reception. You‘ll feel strangely compelled to spread the word and you shouldn‘t resist! People will be taken aback but they will react beautifully and that will feel nice.

Forbid Your Parent, Especially if White, Male and over 55, From Viewing the Movie Rize Until After the Wedding and the Reception
For fear of heart attack (either your parent’s or an observer’s), do not permit your parent to watch this or any other film about the new dance style created by young black kids in South Central L.A. The sight of your parent Krumping while wearing a garter around his head is so powerful that it has the potential to overshadow any other image from the wedding.

Shop Early
All those dresses that you see when you don’t have a reason to wear them or money to pay for them? They will all be mysteriously removed from the racks two weeks before your parent’s wedding. Be prepared to spend hours after work, whole weekends, and much too much mental energy trying to find the perfect dress, and know that you will be sidetracked on the way by the dress that looks like the perfect dress but can’t be guaranteed to keep your breasts hidden inside it, the dress that would be the perfect dress but isn’t quite adult enough for all the family friends and relatives you haven’t seen in years to observe you in, and the dress that would be the perfect dress except you don’t want to wear black to your dad’s wedding because it doesn’t seem happy enough. You will ultimately find the perfect dress, and it will have a price tag that makes you sweat, but it will be worth, ultimately, the cost and the trouble.

Let Your Boyfriend Handle the Weird Ones
Because maybe it’s a bad omen for your long-term future, but he actively enjoys conversations about ways to kill ants and the state of today’s youth conducted with older men in blue leisure suits.

Talk to Your Parent’s New Spouse’s Daughter’s Boyfriend
Because now he’s simply your stepsister’s boyfriend! And if you need to recall the conversation to someone else afterwards, you will no longer need to spend 15 minutes just describing how he is connected to you!

Don’t Panic About Your Sibling
If the wedding is scheduled to start at 6 he’ll show-up at 6:05. You’ll forgive him his lateness because you are just so relieved that he came, and besides, he’ll be wearing a brand new suit with his hair in a ponytail and his beard gone. Later you’ll get him a beer and make him dance and pull out the rubber band and release his wild man hair.

Drink a Glass of Wine, See Your New Parental Unit Grinning Madly, Smile Back
It’s that easy.